So many of us grew up believing we were not allowed, or worse, entitled to say no. After all, young people have such limited agency. But that inability to say no spills into adulthood, especially with family, friends and authority figures. Even if we muster the courage to say no, we feel compelled to justify ourselves, to give a reason. Almost always, that reason is then immediately made irrelevant. "Oh, outpatient surgery? That's all? It'll be done by noon, right? My date's not picking me up 'til 6, so you'll have plenty of time to rest beforehand and also after you feed, bathe and put the kids to bed." I'll bet you're familiar with some variation of this scenario. The more you try to put your foot down and refuse, the more you somehow come out looking like a bad person, inflexible and selfish. So you just shrug and give in.
I'd be lying if I told you I'd mastered the art of saying no. I still find it challenging, but I'll share with you a couple techniques that have made it easier. When confronted with a request to do or give something, I never commit. I buy myself time, give myself an out, by saying, "Maybe," or "That might work," and then I add, "But I'll need to check my calendar [finances]. May I get back to you tomorrow?" Voila! You now have the time to decide if you really want to do whatever it is you're being asked. If you don't, send an email or a text the next day saying no. You can offer an excuse about already being committed. Or not. I prefer to call and have that difficult conversation so I can be reminded in real time, as those old familiar feelings of fear and shame arise, that what I choose to do with my time, even if it is nothing at all, matters. A clear and intentional "no" is every bit as empowering as an open-hearted "yes." And if ever someone dares to ask why I am saying no, I tell them that the reason is absolutely irrelevant. "No is a complete sentence," I say. Periodt. #tshirtessays #lifewithdanquah #noisacompletesentence #yourtimeissacred #selfcareisnotselfishness #drawgoodboundaries #savesomethingforyourself